Guest Columnist: Emperor Palpatine

The Empire Strikes Back - Gambling Edition

by E. Palpatine

Heh, heh, heh. Yessss. It is I, your Emperor writing a guest column for this pathetic, little blog of this pathetic, little bowl picking contest. However, I will say that I am so happy to see that your Commissioner, and General in the Imperial Army, has taken the lead. Oh, and I suppose you think you can summon a Jedi to help make sure the rest of your picks are correct? Forget it. I have seeeeen the future and the future is full of victories for your Commissioner. Tomorrow, as he flies to watch his fellow member of the Dark Side and Sith Lord Nick Saban coach my Alabama Crimson Tide to victory on New Year's Day, his New Year's Eve picks will be winning! He even picked against his alma mater because he sees clearly with the Dark Side and knows Texas' suspect defense and pathetic offense will be no match for the Utah Utes. 

In fact, you should forget watching this pathetic, little sport and instead watch the GREATEST ACTING PERFORMANCE of the modern age. What? NO, YOU FOOLS! I am not talking about Donald Trump. I'm talking about ME of course. Go see Episode IX of the Star Wars Saga: The Rise of Skywalker. There you will see and feeeeeelll the essence of incredible acting by yours truly in my triumphant return to the silver screen, playing myself: Emperor Palpatine!

Of course, you know these pictures are fiction. I let myself be defeated because that's the only way to get you pathetic sheep into the theaters. Did you know I get 50% of the popcorn sales as part of my contract with Disney? So eat away fools! You are financing my new yacht purchase: The Dark Syde 2. I'll anchor it in Charleston, South Carolina, of course. Next to Lindsey's boat, the Sellout. 

So, in summary, the Commissioner, the General of my American Army west of the Mississippi, has taken an iron grip on this contest. Using his powers of the Dark Side that I helped him master, he has already reached 10 victories. You will cower in fear and bow to my brilliance, since you know he is merely another in a long line of my puppets: Maul, Tyrannus, Sideous, Vader, and McConnell, etc. Enjoy the fight for second place.

- The Emperor